Thursday, 15 June 2017

sorrow months

Hey guys

The day when i started to let go everything that blocks my way to be happy, come another chaos to ruin every happy blocks that i slowly built. Apparently, sadness, fear, clumsy and anger are controlling my soul. I do wonder, where are you Joy?

May and June are the worst month so far throughout this year. i hope this 2 months will be the only shitty month for me. I've been through some endlessly frustration which make me wanna puke with curses. Heartbreak teruk siot because its been so long i don't feel this down. So long..

You know, no matter how hard i tried to hold this frustration, i know i will eventually failed. Disappointment after disappointment. I don't know to whom to should i express this feeling besides God, so i decided to let everything out here. Please excuse me.

May, month of depression. I was depressed with unexpected things that happened to me. My shitty pointer affect me like hell. I can't sleep well throughout the night of May, I easily get mad with myself, I simply let out my anger to all innocent people especially to my family, I get annoyed easily, I lose my focus, interest, I became sooo silent and I really love to stay in my room rather than making connection with anyone. I started to lose my sense of humor. I felt such a loser asshole. My faith is totally shaking this time. 

June, i thought June could become a good kick start for me after I have been so depress throughout May, yet I was wrong. My early journey of June has turned out to become a shitty one. As i stated on my previous post, i was working for 18 days (18 days in May's month) and like what being scheduled, i should receive my pay on 3rd of June. However the amount of money that i get is insufficient like how it suppose to be. Omg main songlap siot. I have fought for my right, i asked my former boss for my unpaid salary in a very polite way but she manipulated everything like i'm an idiot who doesn't know how to count. I started to be pushy because she is too much, i'm not the only victim, fyi. End up, she refused to give my salary.

I'm very disappointed with her because i worked with an honest heart, i don't steal her stuff, i consistently make profit for her shop... but what i got in return? Frustration. My main point to work is because i need to earn money to support my necessity. I am so desperate and pure in seeking for halal money. Mengemis duit sendiri. My heart ache due to her action. This is the worst boss that I ever work with so far. I went to my new workplace with a fake smile that i wore everyday. I'm getting more depress because literally my head totally been burden up with endlessly list on what to pay what to pay. Bloody stressful. Talking about my heart, it still bleeding, doesn't cure yet from being stab by a backstabber. Best lesson to reflect myself for now and in the future -  never make a  promise if u can't fulfill it, do a clean business, don't underestimate people abilities and jangan songlap duit pekerja. Lesson that leave a biggest mark in my life. For the rest money that i still didn't get, she can find me in hereafter life :)

June, i'm currently working on my license and supposedly today i should pass with flying colours yet I FAILED to do so. Omg am i was born to be a failure and dipijak? all good throughout my driving class until i do shits during my JPJ test...the burden of list on what to pay what to pay have been added into my head. Gagal both test ya Allah i have no idea what is happening on me right now. Moneyyyy add up. Another pressure and and disappointment that i need to handle. Can i give up...

i'm in the phase of cure. Kun Faya Kun. may in every sujud i'm going to find a beautiful inner peace and strength that i need the most to move forward

Image result for heartbreak illustration

Monday, 12 June 2017

work part 1

Hey guys

my 5 months holidays doesn't run like what i have planned. i thought i can straight away getting a job once i ended my semester 4. i thought. the fact is, i was jobless and broke for a month. i'm such a loser young generation because throughout my jobless days, i have watched 36 movies instead of doing some beneficial activities. obviously i have an excellent skill in wasting time. nail it guys

GUYS, the competition to get a job is extremely hard! Everyone is my rival because literally i need to compete with all the Bangladesh and Indonesian workers too. What is more upsetting is when  I cannot work too far from home due to transportation problem blerghh. At this moment, i have an interest to work in a harder level since i'm already in my senior year in Diploma. Once again, I was hoping and expecting to get a work that i could apply and relate with my studies, at least. I need to get precious experiences and pay throughout my long holidays because i don't want to rely 100%  on my family to support my necessity and desire, so by hook or crook, Zamaliah must get a job! 

I seek for job everywhere. It all end with frustration. Some of the employers were giving me a fake hope. Rejection after rejection. Omg I have no idea how my future will looks like since it is too hard to get a job nowadays. ''We don't need a new worker, Yes please fill up the form, We don't hire part time worker'' Hurt

My dream job seems too impossible to achieve so lets just fade it away with a shattered heart. At this chronic level, i scolded myself ''Lets just grab anything that comes.'' Anything! If i'm being too choosy, I believe that i'll end the rest of my holidays at home as an useless daughter, student and future generation to our country. Pardon me Malaysia. Mak, i hope u are not regret for giving birth to a lazy daughter like me

*Message in*

I GOT A JOB! Thanks God for helping this desperate girl, u heard me! I got a job as penjual kerepek,  asam, toys, candies, Yam Yam, Nini balloon. Obviously it is not my dream's not glam..still i'm so happy  because i managed to get a job, like finally! Feel a bit useful now. However, i only worked for 18 days only instead of working there for 4 months. Why? Because I can :P