Thursday, 15 June 2017

sorrow May

Assalamualaikum
Hey guys

The day when i started to let go everything that blocks my way to be happy, come another chaos to ruin every happy blocks that i slowly built. Apparently, sadness, fear, clumsy and anger are controlling my soul. I do wonder, where are you Joy?

May and June are the worst month so far throughout this year. i hope this 2 months will be the only shitty month for me. I've been through some endlessly frustration which make me wanna puke with curses. Heartbreak teruk siot because its been so long i don't feel this down. So long..

You know, no matter how hard i tried to hold this frustration, i know i will eventually failed. Disappointment after disappointment. I don't know to whom to should i express this feeling besides God, so i decided to let everything out here. Please excuse me.

May, month of depression. I was depressed with unexpected things that happen to me. My shitty pointer affect me like hell. I can't sleep well throughout the night of May, I easily get mad with myself, I simply let out my anger to all innocent people especially to my family, I get annoyed easily, I lose my focus, interest, I became sooo silent and I really love to stay in my room rather than making connection with anyone. I started to lose my sense of humor. I felt such a loser asshole. My faith is totally shaking this time. 

June, i thought June could become a good kick start for me after I have been so depress throughout May, yet I was wrong. My early journey of June has turned out to become a shitty one. As i stated on my previous post, i was working for 18 days (18 days in May's month) and like what being scheduled, i should receive my pay on 3rd of June. However the amount of money that i get is insufficient like how it suppose to be. Omg main songlap siot. I have fought for my right, i asked my former boss for my unpaid salary in a very polite way but she manipulated everything like i'm an idiot who doesn't know how to count. I started to be pushy because she is too much, i'm not the only victim, fyi. End up, she refused to give my salary.

I'm very disappointed with her because i worked with an honest heart, i don't steal her stuff, i consistently make profit for her shop... but what i got in return? Frustration. My main point to work is because i need to earn money to support my necessity. I am so desperate and pure in seeking for halal money. Mengemis duit sendiri. My heart ache due to her action. This is the worst boss that I ever work with so far. I went to my new workplace with a fake smile that i wore everyday. I'm getting more depress because literally my head totally been burden up with endlessly list on what to pay what to pay. Bloody stressful. Talking about my heart, it still bleeding, doesn't cure yet from being stab by a backstabber. Best lesson to reflect myself for now and in the future -  never make a  promise if u can't fulfill it, do a clean business, don't underestimate people abilities and jangan songlap duit pekerja. Lesson that leave a biggest mark in my life. For the rest money that i still didn't get, she can find me in hereafter life :)

June, i'm currently working on my license and supposedly today i should pass with flying colours yet I FAILED to do so. Omg am i was born to be a failure and dipijak? all good throughout my driving class until i do shits during my JPJ test...the burden of list on what to pay what to pay have been added into my head. Gagal both test ya Allah i have no idea what is happening on me right now. Moneyyyy add up. Another pressure and and disappointment that i need to handle. Can i give up...


i'm in the phase of cure. Kun Faya Kun. may in every sujud i'm going to find a beautiful inner peace and strength that i need the most to move forward

Image result for heartbreak illustration

Monday, 12 June 2017

work part 1

Assalamualaikum
Hey guys

my 5 months holidays doesn't run like what i have planned. i thought i can straight away getting a job once i ended my semester 4. i thought. the fact is, i was jobless and broke for a month. i'm such a loser young generation because throughout my jobless days, i have watched 36 movies instead of doing some beneficial activities. obviously i have an excellent skill in wasting time. nail it guys

GUYS, the competition to get a job is extremely hard! Everyone is my rival because literally i need to compete with all the Bangladesh and Indonesian workers too. What is more upsetting is when  I cannot work too far from home due to transportation problem blerghh. At this moment, i have an interest to work in a harder level since i'm already in my senior year in Diploma. Once again, I was hoping and expecting to get a work that i could apply and relate with my studies, at least. I need to get precious experiences and pay throughout my long holidays because i don't want to rely 100%  on my family to support my necessity and desire, so by hook or crook, Zamaliah must get a job! 

I seek for job everywhere. It all end with frustration. Some of the employers were giving me a fake hope. Rejection after rejection. Omg I have no idea how my future will looks like since it is too hard to get a job nowadays. ''We don't need a new worker, Yes please fill up the form, We don't hire part time worker'' Hurt

My dream job seems too impossible to achieve so lets just fade it away with a shattered heart. At this chronic level, i scolded myself ''Lets just grab anything that comes.'' Anything! If i'm being too choosy, I believe that i'll end the rest of my holidays at home as an useless daughter, student and future generation to our country. Pardon me Malaysia. Mak, i hope u are not regret for giving birth to a lazy daughter like me

*Message in*

I GOT A JOB! Thanks God for helping this desperate girl, u heard me! I got a job as penjual kerepek,  asam, toys, candies, Yam Yam, Nini balloon. Obviously it is not my dream job...it's not glam..still i'm so happy  because i managed to get a job, like finally! Feel a bit useful now. However, i only worked for 18 days only instead of working there for 4 months. Why? Because I can :P


Wednesday, 24 May 2017

result 4th semester

Assalamualaikum
Hey guys

my biggest fear is finally happening. i don't score well for this semester since my pointer is totally below my expectation. i don't want to blame anyone because everything was good (carry marks and etc) except for my finals. seems like my finals didn't help me to reach a good grade. Sad. i can't deny it was tough. i can't recall everything during my finals because my brain already reach the saturated level. i failed to balance my rest and study time during the short gap and i couldn't believe it could affect me this bad. i always get high and sleepy during my examination. once i get high, omg my brain will no longer work to help me to get an answer because i will be so damn high. i'm 80% unconscious.

 i tried to reduce from consuming caffeine untuk exam kali nie because i will stay awake like crazy (a day before paper) and collapse like a zombie on the next day (during my paper)  it's abnormal and i wanna be free from caffeine for this time because exam i straight so takkan lah nak consume nescafe everyday. Nanti pressure sampai jadi kes sawan pulak  

however, most of my papers yang i kononnya nak free from caffeine collapse umpama saya yang rebah di dalam medan peperangan dgn mata pena di tangan. those days yang i consume caffeine, all good! sayang...

such a wasted effort. my momentum jaga pointer since semester 1 to semester 3 just ruined..my dream to wear the pink sash is over. what sadden me the most is, i (and the other top scorers)  never get any certificates for our achievement. right now i terus rasa i have nothing special to be kept. cgpa and gpa jatuh teruk

my parents and family kecewa especially Abah. he expressed his disappointment for real lol. if he get disappointed, apetah lagi iolls. it hurts me till today, i almost reach it, but the chances just slip away through my fingers. 

i'm still trying to look this thing from a bright side, accepting everything with an open heart and have faith with what He had planned for me. my journey throughout semester 4 still wonderful tho bcs i had so much fun settle down all my assignments, making new friends, conducting an event and so forth, Those memories are priceless. people can talk shits regarding to my failure and point out every single things. i'll take it all, digest and reflect it all back to become a better one from all aspect. this is the best lesson to teach me to be more wise in managing my time and find another alternative to stay energetic instead of harming myself from consuming nescafe everyday. sooner or later, i'll be fine and i'll stand up back as a stronger and wiser one. everything needs time, so do i. i never expect healing process would be this difficult. how can i move on if i keep on remembering my dream has been ruined by myself.. tell me

so many loads to be carried for the upcoming semester in order to beat my last pointer. May Allah ease my last semester in Diploma 

cgpa: 3.43/3.63


Wednesday, 26 April 2017

Zamaliah & her endlessly phone problem

Assalamualaikum
Hey guys

Those who know me well must know my endlessly problem with my cell phone, Lenovo S860. I know some of my friends might get sick with me since my phone keep on hanging for 102829101 times 

Once it hang, damn i need to reformat everything. Everything. I'm so done saving everyone contact numbers for 50th times ughh its so burdening and annoying. What annoyed me the most is when i need to keep on asking unfamiliar number like 'sorry who's on the line? and etc etc while actually they are my friendsss. Some might get offended and not believe in my problems since i keep on losing their numbers but what can i do guys? I can't please everyone. It happen like 3 times a month in every month!!! Can you feel me?!! 

I once said to my friend ''please lah if my phone nak rosak, please rosak after i end my Diploma so i can work and afford a new cell phone!'' but no guys, my phone chose to stop working already :') Bless because it wouldn't trouble me anymore every time it get hang, friendss lets cheer for it! Yet, i'm STUCK! what the freak, how i want to connect with everyone?!! God, i need to like my crush photo in Instagram and how i want to tweet emotionally in twitter before i go to bed?!!

You know what make things worst, my final event that will be conducted by my class is going to happen exactly in 3 days after my phone rosak, so yahh i feel bad when people can't reach me immediately and i need to sorry everyone again and again... Then at this moment jugak lah, there are my assignment photos inside my phone T.T we went to Jonker Walk to take photos for our Graphic & Design subject and i used my phone to snap photos but you know, it all gone :) 

I don't used phone for about 4 days. I managed to survive even I can't stay still because i have lot of things to do yet i'm powerless without my phone! God sent me help, my roommate offered me her extra phone omg the help is soo precious. However, from technician side, idk what is the actual problem but my simcard was too small so it cannot fit in the phone perfectly which caused the internet data cannot be used......... At first i thought it was my fault, i rosakkan my friend punya phone but the problem is actually come from the sim size not the phone fuhh! 

If you think the problem is over, no you are wrong guys! I have a cell phone with no Internet so i'm still powerless! You know this thing totally burden up my nearest friends like my classmate and my 2 roommates! I need to wait for them to balik bilik at night so i can use their data to reply all the message and etc since my college didn't provide any wifi. Honestly, of course i feel bad every time i need to ask for their help but without their help, my work wouldn't get done and it only will worsen the condition. I'm very emotional during that time because i need to burden many peopleeee and i just pray the day that i'm going to get a temporary phone will be faster so i can stop asking for my friends' help even they are not complaining, yet i just hate burdening people. I never cry to my family but i have humiliated myself, I called kak Farah by using my friend's phone and cried to her omg  i hope she will forget those stupid memories because i'm totally have lose my mind during that time! it wouldn't happen again!!!!!!

Guys, don't you dare to think that my problem is over because it is not over yet! i feel like i wanna slap my own face because i don't even know when this problem will end!!! Currently i'm using a temporary phone given by my sister. I was planning to buy a new phone, not Lenovo obviously. Do you guys have any recommendation on what kind of brand should i buy for Android? Tahan lasak is a must! I need a suggestion :( Apple is totally out of my list since my pay is insufficient to afford one iphone even iphone 5 sekalipon because i need to support other priorities too haha

23 March 2015, it was the day i bought my lenovo phone by using my first pay working in pharmacy ugh nostalgic gila. exactly 2 years lah the phone served me even it always burden me up haha thank you :)





Tuesday, 25 April 2017

semester break


Assalamualaikum
Hey guys

My last update is on January. Wow it's been a long time i don't properly seat and write a post. Honestly, i'm kinda dissapointed with myself for keep pending everything because I have like 15 drafts in my draft folder and most of them have been wrote yet i'm unable to finish my writing :') 

Sooo before we go further, iolls nak cakap sikit, this blog is purposely not to feed people with daily update since i don't have any commitment to do so. I'm obviously not a famous blogger who do lot of reviews bcs i'm still not reaching the stage yet. Too far to reach huehue. This blog only work as my memories bank to ensure on one fine day, i can look back to the good old days that i've gone through. Dia akan jadi like oh i once have a good day to be remembered :)

Then, since i don't update regularly, the topic that will be shared are quite limited too depending on what will comes in my mind. If there is any request for me to write on certain topic, i'll try to considerate and work on it. If people found this blog good, then i hope it could benefit those people who read it  but if you think otherwise, you can find another blog or website that suit with your taste :)

Okayyy moving to my main point guyssss, i have ended my semester 4! Semester 4 bring joy and sadness. I totally enjoyed my studies even  i always have self-conflict with myself, to go or not to goooo (counting the left quota to skip class). You know what, i feel awesome and cool when i'm able to skip my class!!! Nerd detected lol! Overall lah, the most satisfied feeling is when i feel THAT IT IS FINE to stand up for myself and show my true color so i won't let people to take me for granted anymore. That nerdy and 'kind' girl is no longer alive. The phase of jaga hati orang is no longer valid lah because being transparent is totally important especially when it comes to work because we need to produce a bombastic work so it is a must to eliminate unnecessary vibes like drama and shitty attitude. Then, this might be tetiba but u know what surprise me more? Lendu feels better than  home!!!

Facing my pre-senior year okay lah not bad. The pressure came like a tornado yet everything can be controlled right. Group assignment for this semester, superb! They are not the pain in the ass kind of person so yeah we got highest mark for most of our group assignments. Effort paid off yo even there is still pressure in completing every assignment. If Zamaliah tak meroyan dalam bilik tak sah weh (perfectionist problem). Studies, like how i mentioned tadi, everything is fine except my marks for quiz and test huhu. Throughout my semester journey, my marks for semester 4 adalah yang paling worst. i never expect to get 8/20 for my midterm test. Overall, all my marks lebih kurang macam tu jeee so what to expect?!!! Still, carry marks for every subjects is so satisfying. Now,  I'm just hoping and pray that my final paper would cover everything back. If jatuh, please jangan jatuh banyak, Whatever it is, i've tried my best so i must be opened in accepting all rezeki that Allah has planned to give to me, All is well have faith!

Anyway, this will be my last stay in Lendu since all Masscomers need to move to UITM Rembau on the upcoming semester. They opened a new branch for Masscom students ughh i don't know how to react because it's hard to sail away my feeling towards Lendu because i've fallen in love with the place, people and the environment. Now, i need to start all over again, it's okay kot because that is how life works isn't? You leave or you'll be leaved.

what my 5 months holiday gonna look like 

Related image
                                     

Friday, 27 January 2017

#friends

assalamualaikum
hey guys

we all come with different stories, yet i believe we carry the same responsibility, "to make our parents proud" at the end of our studies journey. we wanted to see their smile and tears when they witnessing us walk on the stage and receive the scroll by the Chancellor. after a long waiting, we finally could say "i'm officially graduated!"

however, the journey are not easy like what some people portrayed. unexpected things can always happen without u preparing for it.

financially broke, broken family, got into an accident, family death, being diagnosed with serious disease, unstable spiritual...

everything is possible with Allah wills

i believe that the choice that u have made is not the easiest one to make. no one can simply judge your decisions because we all never stay in your shoes. we only can provide u support but deep inside your heart, we do not know how broken and depress u feel. how bad u cried and fight to stand still everyday

May your name will never fade away from our dua. U gotta be strong and face all this problem. have faith. u are lucky actually, Allah is preparing yourself to be a better one in all aspect that we could never imagine. He is the best planner remember?

This chaos eventually will end. Please come back to continue your studies here as a stronger one. Dont forget to bring along your brighter smile buddies

The rest and i will stay struggling to end this Diploma journey. No one said it is easy, but we will try!

member, we are not close but i totally felt affected without your existence :(